When the lights turn red I press my foot on the break, everything slows and then stops. I rest my forehead onto the wheel and squeeze my eyes shut.
Where am I going to go?
I sit up and try to take a deep breath but I just heave in stuttering gulps. I stare at the number plate of the car in front of me, it doesn't make any sense.
I could go to my parents. I should go to them, that would be sensible. But there will be questions. So many huge questions the size of mountains with no one to answer them because the thought of speaking terrifies me. It would be admitting what I'd done, like staring straight at the wound when the accident's just happened and it's still raw and bleeding. It only ever makes it hurt more.
No. I can't talk about it. Not now maybe not ever. Right now I don't even know what I need, or want. Every thought that clatters through my mind is the worst thought I've ever had.
I grind my teeth together as my shoulders start to shake again. The taste of the salty water dripping over my cracked lips makes me feel sick.
Somewhere, deep inside me, I know I can not stay sat in my car all night crying. I know I have to do something. I stare at the red light, letting it lull me for a moment. It is an unexpected moment of stillness. A few seconds pass and then I suddenly snatch up my phone again. I stab at the buttons and hold it to my ear.
The ringing feels like a drill pushing through my back and out between my ribs.
I realise I am holding out all my hope and everything I have left that she'll answer.
The lights change and I almost stall but manage to hold on.
"K, it's me. I've split up with C. I've left, it's all over."